Thursday 23 April 2009

During Economic Downturn, Salarymen Downgrade From Golfing To Practicing Golf Swing on Subway Platforms

While street food stands have been feeling the pinch of the latest economic downturn, responding with raised prices or all-out closures, while seniors have discovered inflation of their own, with new recycling rates of ten won for three, instead of two milk cartons they collect on their carts, even middle-managers and some executives in Korea have experienced a diminished quality of life during these hard times.

"It's just sad," division manager Kim Hansong said in a recent interview, "I used to go golfing about monthly with the CEO at his country club; once we even went golf-whoring in the Phillipines together, and let me tell you, twenty four holes in twenty four hours ain't an easy bet to win... but these days, I haven't been to a country club in about eight months."

"So how," Dokdo Is Ours asked, "Do you continue feeling superior to your employees and workers, when you are no longer golfing with the boss to assert your higher rank?"

"Well, in the absence of actual trips to the country club, I've discovered that just by practicing my golf swing on the subway platform, I can let people know I'm better than them."

"The subway platform?"

"They don't need to know I used to have a company car," Kim huffed. "For all they know, I'm one of those environmental guys. Everybody likes those environmental guys," Kim said, making quotations with his fingers.

"And do you think these practice golf swings does an adequate job of keeping your subordinates in place?"

"It helps me feel better than strangers on the subway AND subordinates at the office. Of course, I also do other things at the office to make sure people know I'm the boss: for example, I throw coffee at the secretaries, and refuse to promote them ahead of the men in the department -- haha -- even though two of them have Ph.D's! I also steal people's ideas and take the credit, and stifle the most ambitious, creative ones with soul-draining menial work... but the golf swings help, too. Sometimes I do them at the water cooler as well."

"I use umbrellas on rainy days -- those are especially good -- but in a pinch, even a rolled-up newspaper will do as a stand-in for a real golf club." Then, as a reflection of the deep suffering the world economic crisis has caused, Kim's eyes seemed to mist over. "I just look forward to the day," he said, brushing his tear duct, "when I can go back to mistreating country club employees, instead of just my own employees. I may have to sexually harass one of my female Ph.D. secretaries to feel better about it all," he said. "Should I threaten to fire her, force her to drink soju, or grab her ass? Maybe all three? What do you say?"

Dokdo Is Ours declined to answer.

Indeed, the world economic downturn has had unexpected results in many poignant places, and the case of Kim Hansong is just one story among the thousands of people being forced to do without the things that once made their lives more enjoyable.

Dokdo Is Ours, reporting.


John McCrarey said...

Nicely done!

kissmykimchi said...

I'm just waiting for one of these golf enthusiasists to start whacking people off on the subway. which is way more enviromentally friendly than sarin gas.

link exchange request!

holterbarbour said...
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