Friday 3 April 2009

Paternity Test Reveals Yuna Kim's Father is Jesus Christ Himself

(or so you'd think from all the hyperbole)

Dokdo Is Ours reports a startling, but then again, not too surprising revelation: blood tests have revealed that Kim Yuna, Korea's sweetheart and figure skating hero, is the daughter of none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The young lady, recently coronated "Queen Yuna" by her adoring fans, first drew suspicion one day, after skating practice, when all the other skaters had left the ice; Yuna bravely soldiered on, practicing to the limit of her endurance, until one of the rink managers stepped out onto the ice, and discovered it had melted completely: the charmed Yuna had been skating on water for about an hour. This was the first recorded miracle of Yuna, and certain clergy began to observe her surreptitiously, to look for more evidence of her deity.

After her startling world-record-setting win at the Four Continents' Championship, Father Chang Hoon-seo approached Yuna to request a small blood sample, to test the theory that she was indeed, of different stock than the rest of us.

Careful investigation followed, and in the end, after several weeks of exhaustively comparing Yuna's DNA with her father's, mother's, as well as a number of blind samples, the Catholic
Investigatory Committee, in cooperation with Seoul National University's Science Lab, conquered their doubts, lit some votive candles, and called a press conference.

"It is our holy pleasure to announce the coming of Yuna, not just as the Queen of Women's Figure Skating, but of all under earth and heaven, with this new revelation." Bishop Chang Yoon Dong proudly declared.

Once the news came out, this early family photo of Yuna Kim leaked to a Naver discussion board, removing all doubt for the faithful.

Yu In-chon, Korea's minister of Trade and Tourism, thought that the Korean star's divinity would not just make things difficult for her rivals, but would have a benefit for Korea at large.

"We think the eventual prostration of all the world before Yuna Kim as the Queen of the new heaven and earth will be very beneficial for Korea's brand," Mr. Yu crowed. "When the New Jerusalem comes down from heaven, all Koreans will certainly be proud to see Yuna skate over the Sea of Crystal and join her father Jesus, the Son of God, to rule for all eternity. We anticipate a sharp rise in tourism to Korea as pilgrimage trails to her birthplace in Bucheon and her home in Gunpo are carved into the city, lined with relic shops and Dokdo posters."

Until the return of Queen Yuna's father, and the establishment of the Kingdom of Heaven on earth, however, good Christians, and all worshippers of Queen Yuna are encouraged to air her skating performances as often as possible on all television stations, and watch them repeatedly, bring her up in conversation as often as possible, and boo Japanese skaters during competitions.

And as a public service announcement, skating fans and good religious folks everywhere, remember: flowers for Yuna, shoes for Asada!


Brian said...

I'd still hit it.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

You'd have to treat her nice. As protective fathers and grandfathers go, Almighty God and the Savior of the Universe would be bad people to piss off.

Anonymous said...

She looks damn good in pants. More of that, pleasuh!

Korea Beat said...

I still can't get over how fantastic that image is.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

feel free to borrow it, KB: just send your (many) readers over here, if you please!

themanhootch said...

I take it then your father is a turnip someone found in a dumpster, of course, after it had passed through a digestive system.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Possibly. As a journalist of the highest integrity, Dokdo Is Ours prefers to keep his/her private life out of his/her reporting.

You may continue deriding my character, Hooch, but it only validates this reporter's conviction that he/she is doing a worthy and worthwhile job, and doing it well, if it's good enough to piss you off.