Sunday 18 October 2009

A Game of "Does it Exist" with World Authority Archaeologist

That's right. Logic demigod David Thiessen, aka The Archaeologist, has assured us all that racism does not exist in Korea, because it does not exist either in the human genome, nor in the bible. In a piece of brilliant analysis and exposition in The Korea Times, Mr. Thiessen has demonstrated that The Word Of God, and The Human Genome, are the only authoritative places to find proof of whether a thing exists or not. Logicians are now referring to this standard of existence as "Archaeologist's Razor" similar to Occam's Razor for its effectiveness in getting to the heart of logical discourse. Grateful for this bit of endless wisdom, Dokdo Is Ours has asked Mr. Thiessen to grace Dokdo Is Ours with more Holy, Divine, Unassailable Truth, by taking some questions about other things than racism, and letting us know whether they exist, or are nothing more than illusions.

The Holy Bible: "EXISTS: in fact, the beginning of the human genome starts, "In The Beginning, God Created..."... I know this is true because I saw it in a dream God gave me."

(for the record, The Human Genome is King James.)

Soccer: "Does not exist. While kicking is found in the bible, games involving kicking are not, and therefore while we can be sure that a soccer-like game MIGHT exist, soccer itself cannot be confirmed to exist.

The Matrix: "Whether we live in The Matrix, or it's just a fiction, would depend on what I see after having a chance to examine its programming code, and see whether any of it resembles either The Human Genome or the text of The Holy Bible.

The Mushroom Haircut: "While wild vegetable are mentioned in the bible, they are not to be found in the Human Genome, so probably not."

The U.S. Pledge of Allegiance: "Only the line 'One Nation under God,' because it mentions God, who exists. By logic, the existence of this line leads me to conclude, logically, that there is only one nation in the world; therefore, only the USA exists... but only God-fearing red states, and school districts that don't teach evolution."

Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales: "Nothing but fairy tales, I'm afraid. Duh."

Babies: "Human DNA has shown no significant differences between Baby DNA and Adult DNA, therefore babies are a social construct, and might be a propaganda tool of racist English teachers."
"But you said racism doesn't exist."
"Shut up, you godless obfuscator of the truth! God will judge you (which is my cute way of saying I already have judged you -- it's my charming idiosyncrasy to pretend I speak on God's behalf. My betrothed loves it. It makes her wild under her ankle-length skirt and linen head-covering.)"

Pencils: "If the pencil has a double-helix drawn on it, it resembles Human DNA enough to be said it exists."

The Archaeologist: "Yes, but I am the only one to whom Descartes' maxim, 'I think, therefore I am' applies. I know I actually think, so I KNOW I exist, but I'm not quite so sure about you: I will continue suspecting you of being a devil's trick, sent to lead me astray, and will therefore disregard everything you say."

Barack Obama: "Yes! He is the leader from the North mentioned in Revelation, who will bring forth the apocolypse."

English: "Not really. This further illegitimizes English teachers: that their language is a sham. The human genome is actually in Greek and Hebrew characters: the languages of the original bible."

North Korean Aggression: "No. Only English teachers who do not respect their contracts and look down upon Korean culture perceive the social construct of North Korean aggression. In truth, Koreans are peaceful and the greatest culture on earth, and this image of North Korea violating its international agreements is a case of projection from English teachers who imagine North Korea has the same disdain for international agreements as English teachers have for their contracts."

Any other questions in the comments shall be answered as soon as possible.


Daegu said...

Haha. Thiessen is a fucking retarded little prick.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Forgot to add this one to the post:

The Korea Times Comment Boards: "Definitely exist, but only because I get on there and quote enough scripture, and invoke the name of God often enough to keep it existing. It only exists thanks to MY efforts."

DSW said...

This reminds me of "knifey-spoony" from the Aussie episode of the Simpsons...

Notdeadyet said...

haha... nice piece. another example of the korea times publishing anyone who sends anything. But, seriously who is this Thiessen guy, anyway?

Anonymous said...

Nice distortion of what Dr. David Thiessen said. You forget that the Bible very plainly says that 'All men descended from Adam' making it clear that there is only one race--The Human One.

It is not because the word 'racism' is not mentioned in the Bible that it does not exist but that the exclusion of multiple races is.

Distorting other people's words just demonstrate that you are not honest in your assessments and writings.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

"Distorting other people's words just demonstrate that you are not honest in your assessments and writings."

Hey stupid: this is a comedy blog. If you write stupid shit in the Korea Times, you're going to get mocked. How does it feel? Maybe a bit similar to commenters in other forums, when they get trolled by you.

I'm not dishonest in the least: I explain very clearly on the main page that this is a satire blog, and you just got mocked, which is what satirists do.

Keep going: I'll do it again.