Wednesday 3 March 2010

Determined to be The Best Blog in Korea

Seriously, readers? Not even on the ballot? Where are my die-hards?

Well fine. Since what I've been doing here doesn't seem to be what wins these kinds of accolades, here you are readers. It's time for a makeover. Note the new blog title, and the new tone.

So I woke up this morning hung over like a bag of smashed assholes. That fucking strawberry truck was barking his noisy bullshit over the goddamn bullhorn again and I wondered why I still live here. Maybe a revelation was coming that I hate this land of cunts and asshole-lickers and I was time for me to leave, but ill never know because my ugly harpy of a wife was braying in my ear.

"You da stupid man! Why you late? You gonna no breakfas now"

I told my wife I didn't want her goddamn seaweed rice and rancid cabbage breakfast anyway and left the house while she was still making up new swear words to insult me with.

Bet Joe Jenkimchi does the same thing, but that uncle-tom doesn't write about it on his blog. He's so far up Korea's ass that if Korea's asshole was Busan, he'd be in Daejeon. Except Korea's asshole is Seoul, in the neighborhood where I live. I know because every time I leave the house I can smell the shit.

I hate the moderators at Dave's ESL cafe. They suck.

I drank more gook juice at lunch today. My coworkers were with me, so it was OK. I taught them to say cum-guzzler, and told them it was a very high compliment. That'll be funny when they meet an international client.

"Excujuh me. Yoo ah ah cum geojjulleo"
"What did you say?"
"You guzzling deo cum ebery day"
"Are you insinuating..."
"Take a chill pill modeopuckeo" (I taught them that too)

Work sucked as usual, but my boss is a fat cunt so I don't feel bad about playing solitaire at my desk, and in the office bathroom, every day.

Then at night I met Sketchy, an old Pikey cunt I met at Seoul Pub. He's a glorious asshole, too. He got banned from Dave's ESL Cafe on the first day he left a comment. Dave's moderators are cunts. Sketchy and I were walking at night, carrying pitchers of hite and being loud and getting stared at by all the gook toads around us when we saw a toad princess in high heels and a skirt. She was doing something that is normal for Koreans to do, but different than things I used to do back home, so I shouted at her and called her a stupid cunt toad. Why doesn't she act like people do back home, where people have sense? But women back home are all fat ugly bitches. And especially western girls in Korea. They're dumb. I hate them. It's all them, and nothing to do with me.

Anyway, the toad princess looked nervous to see us (Sketchy's a huge cocksucker: used to play rugby) so we followed her down the street for kicks. She acted all worried, and started talking urgently on the phone, so I shouted "Show us your tits!" -- which was an old inside joke between me and Sketchy, the glorious cunt. It slew Sketchy, that old bastard. He was howling with laughter.

After following the toad princess for a few blocks, and shouting "Show us your tits" again and again, to crack each other up, some Korean guys came up to the girl from down the street, and she pointed at us. They looked like they were going to come over and talk to (that is, get beat up by) us, but Sketchy had nearly been deported once for getting in a fight with a few Koreans and accidentally shoving one of those scrawny toad policemen, so we left.

I got home plastered and the toad wife was mad. The kids were already in bed, and she said my half-toad son called her a cunt at dinner. He probably learned it from school. She wouldn't let me sleep in the bed, but the couch is OK with me. I masturbated on the bathroom floor and didn't clean it up, so that she'd have to scrape up my dried cum when she cleaned the bathroom. That'll show her.

Or at least pay attention to me. 10 Magazine sucks and they're trying to censor me. Zenkimchi sucks. Seoul Eats sucks. Chris in SK sucks. If any of them pays attention to me I'll say they suck more. Brian in Jeollanamdo sucks. Marmot sucks. Grand Narrative sucks. Hermit Hideaways sucks. Eat Your Kimchi Sucks! The Korean Law Blog sucks. Jason in Korea sucks. Come on guys! Get mad at me!


Seriously? Are you fucking serious? And I'm not even on the nominee list?

Now if you don't vote me as Korea's best blog, I'll never forgive you.


Matt without any special title said...


Lee Farrand said...

I just voted for you in 'other'.

This post is a good one

@koreangov said...

Wow, this is the best blog ever. It's like Bukowski. Do you know Bukowski? That's because you're probably Korean and a fucking moron. Back in Scotland I used to read a lot of Bukowski and Kerouac and I decided to hit the road to see the world. Now I have a literary journal and fucking love Bukowski almost as much as I love fucking your blog. Also, Korea sucks ass.

Lee Farrand said...

Oh and hey, you really sound like this guy:

hoxymoron said...

Hey! I just found your blog a couple days ago so I was unaware of this contest or how to vote for you. Let me just say that your scathing musings on Korea are all that prevent me from snorting kimchi and burning down another Namdaemun gate. Keep giving us hell.

Flint said...

That was hilarious.:)

Brian said...

I'm pretty tired now, but what I'll do is leave some comments on message boards vaguely referring to you, and I'll mention you once or twice on Facebook. Then, you should write four posts in a day defending your blog, your blog's quality, and your right to write about whatever you want.

Anonymous said...

If that's what it takes to beat Six in Seoul...


John said...

Masterful job. I didn't get listed either, not that I deserve to be. But my family members did nominate through write-ins (at least four) and I'm still not listed.

How pathetic is that? Almost as pathetic as my blog I'd wager.

Keep pounding away at the keyboard dude. A genius is never appreciated in his lifetime...

3gyupsal said...

I'll go vote for you. I was surprised that this wasn't on here and yet other blogs were. I actually have this blog and one other listed as blogs that I follow. This one and the other were not not on that list and I was kind of surprised by that because some of the others were ones that I had never heard of before and kind of sucked, that is besides the old standbys. (marmot, brian, koreabeat.)

3gyupsal said...

I voted, I hope you will be happy to know that "Other," is currently winning by 19%.

DSW said...

This is a particularly funny post. Congrats, Special Korean Friend.

Oh, and @koreangov - You go fuck yourself, you mean old grinchy bastard.

Pubman said...

We didn't make it either, but we are too busy drinking to care... voted for you anyway

kushibo said...


It could be worse: You might have made it to the list and then got lumped into "others" for lack of interest.

Francisco said...

dude I voted for you 5 times in other

The White Buffalo said...

I don't get it.

The White Buffalo said...

Then again, I'm not very sophisticated.

You guys are so much funnier than me.

Your talent dwarfs mine.

I'm not fit to smell your farts.

The White Buffalo said...

So long.

And Blian Golden Balls to you all.