A small-town school in Heunghak-ri is making waves in educational circles: many teachers in Korea are constrained by their school curricula to teach "
western imperialism science," despite the fact these "facts" do nothing to further the great nation of Korea, and many were discovered by non-Koreans. "These so-called 'scientific facts' were not even discovered by Koreans: foreign culture is invading our classroom, every day, and we've done nothing about it!" exclaimed Yoo Seung-lee, teacher of Heunghak-ri's grades 1-4; "we decided it was time to take matters into our own hands, and only teach facts that had been verified by Korean scientists and scholars."
Parents and students enjoyed the redeveloped curriculum so much that a Pseudo-Science fair was a natural next step. "We're really impressed with what the students have put together!" gushed Yoo. She took Dokdo Is Ours around the fair, and explained the different projects.
One display showed measurements of a Korean skull and a Japanese skull, to show Koreans have a larger brain pan, and are smarter.
Another featured many graphic drawings of Mad Cow Disease's unique effects on Korean physiology.
Another demonstrated the way Kimchi made Koreans naturally immune to SARS, HIV, and Swine Flu, and hypothesized that growing up in Korea's four seasons were the reason only Koreans benefited from these features of Kimchi.
Another compared the effects of using a condom on Korean couples and foreign couples, wherein condom use made the foreign couples "safe" and "responsible" while the Korean couple became "dirty" and "spoiled".
Another compared a student's mother with his unmarried Aunt, and demonstrated the way pregnancy instantly removes a Korean woman's ability to function in a workplace, forever.
Another showed drawings of other places around the world, where they only had three or fewer seasons: Northern USA, France, England, and Germany were among the countries portrayed bleakly living without seasons.
Another demonstrated ways to make a map of the East sea appear older than it really was, in order to seem an authentic and authoritative proof of Dokdo's Koreanness; it had a special interactive feature where students could draw the islands onto their own map, and then age it by hand.
One demonstrated which part of Kim Yuna's Korean DNA made her a champion, and connected it with the ligament that makes Koreans the only people able to eat with metal chopsticks.
Another used two students' fathers, one eating Korean dog soup, the other eating viagara, to show that Korean homeopathic virility remedies are superior. Unfortunately, the viagara eating father had been taken to the hospital. "Hello! What is priapism?" the bright-eyed student shouted as Dokdo Is Ours walked by.
The winning project was by Kwon Han-joo, nine, a terrifying portrayal of the steps by which a running fan kills anyone sleeping in a sealed room with it. He had even painted scary teeth on the blades of the fan he brought in for the demonstration, and viewers had to duck and dodge as the oscillating fan pointed in their direction.
"First the rotating blades break down most of the oxygen molecules in the room, then they suck the remaining ones out of the room. Finally, they blow air so forcefully that it can't enter the subject's nose, making him unable to breathe even the oxygen-less air. Death is quite painful."
An official from the Jeolla-do ministry of education came to the science fair as well. "We're considering standardizing this curriculum. This pseudo-science makes me feel much better about my country."
"But what about Newton? Einstein? Rutherford and Bohr and Marie Curie and Galileo?" The education director led me around a corner to another display.
"As you can see here, they were Korean."
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