Friday 9 April 2010

Jeolla School to hold Pseudo-Science Fair

A small-town school in Heunghak-ri is making waves in educational circles: many teachers in Korea are constrained by their school curricula to teach "western imperialism science," despite the fact these "facts" do nothing to further the great nation of Korea, and many were discovered by non-Koreans. "These so-called 'scientific facts' were not even discovered by Koreans: foreign culture is invading our classroom, every day, and we've done nothing about it!" exclaimed Yoo Seung-lee, teacher of Heunghak-ri's grades 1-4; "we decided it was time to take matters into our own hands, and only teach facts that had been verified by Korean scientists and scholars."

Parents and students enjoyed the redeveloped curriculum so much that a Pseudo-Science fair was a natural next step. "We're really impressed with what the students have put together!" gushed Yoo. She took Dokdo Is Ours around the fair, and explained the different projects.

One display showed measurements of a Korean skull and a Japanese skull, to show Koreans have a larger brain pan, and are smarter.

Another featured many graphic drawings of Mad Cow Disease's unique effects on Korean physiology.

Another demonstrated the way Kimchi made Koreans naturally immune to SARS, HIV, and Swine Flu, and hypothesized that growing up in Korea's four seasons were the reason only Koreans benefited from these features of Kimchi.

Another compared the effects of using a condom on Korean couples and foreign couples, wherein condom use made the foreign couples "safe" and "responsible" while the Korean couple became "dirty" and "spoiled".

Another compared a student's mother with his unmarried Aunt, and demonstrated the way pregnancy instantly removes a Korean woman's ability to function in a workplace, forever.

Another showed drawings of other places around the world, where they only had three or fewer seasons: Northern USA, France, England, and Germany were among the countries portrayed bleakly living without seasons.

Another demonstrated ways to make a map of the East sea appear older than it really was, in order to seem an authentic and authoritative proof of Dokdo's Koreanness; it had a special interactive feature where students could draw the islands onto their own map, and then age it by hand.

One demonstrated which part of Kim Yuna's Korean DNA made her a champion, and connected it with the ligament that makes Koreans the only people able to eat with metal chopsticks.

Another used two students' fathers, one eating Korean dog soup, the other eating viagara, to show that Korean homeopathic virility remedies are superior. Unfortunately, the viagara eating father had been taken to the hospital. "Hello! What is priapism?" the bright-eyed student shouted as Dokdo Is Ours walked by.

The winning project was by Kwon Han-joo, nine, a terrifying portrayal of the steps by which a running fan kills anyone sleeping in a sealed room with it. He had even painted scary teeth on the blades of the fan he brought in for the demonstration, and viewers had to duck and dodge as the oscillating fan pointed in their direction.

"First the rotating blades break down most of the oxygen molecules in the room, then they suck the remaining ones out of the room. Finally, they blow air so forcefully that it can't enter the subject's nose, making him unable to breathe even the oxygen-less air. Death is quite painful."

An official from the Jeolla-do ministry of education came to the science fair as well. "We're considering standardizing this curriculum. This pseudo-science makes me feel much better about my country."

"But what about Newton? Einstein? Rutherford and Bohr and Marie Curie and Galileo?" The education director led me around a corner to another display.

"As you can see here, they were Korean."


pitchfest said...

If we're not careful, this peninsula is going to orgasm out another Yuna-Do.

The_Mon said...


Chris in South Korea said...

But wait - how did they measure the Japanese and Korean brains? In centimeters? Ja? ( Just wondering.... :P

themagicbean said...

Wasn't sure if the "fake email" address was real so I thought I'd comment. Have dedicated a post to you:

3gyupsal said...

I want to see the superior Korean toilet and plumbing section of the fair.

Do you know that in addition to Koreans having superior hand eye coordination due to the use of chopsticks, the average balance of Koreans far exceeds that of people from other countries, because, from an early age Koreans learn to squat over a hole in the ground when they have to evacuate their bowels.

The added balance and leg strength comes in handy when climbing mountains. Western toilets are very dirty and waste water, but what else can people expect from lavish cultures with no Jeong?

Unknown said...

I found this to be painfully mundane. Someday having a blog will be equated with cleverness. Not today though.

Unknown said...

dear jesus. that was painfully mundane. truly a testament to why "expat blogger" is an insult of the highest degree. please up your cleverness by 80 percent before posting again.

Unknown said...

i see now that comments to your blog must first be approved by, well, you. thus, a personal message. please take my multiple tidbits into considering when vocalizing your witty little observations. cheers.

Shea Stadium said...

i'm seriously wondering if is this a joke. please tell me

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Dear Eric:

The only thing lamer than spending free time writing a blog for the free and thankless entertainment of strangers, rather than, say, improving one's social skills or getting laid or reading or learning how to cook...

is not even starting your own mundane blog, and opting instead to make asinine comments on other peoples' blogs. Maybe I'm a nerd, but you're a parasite suckling on a nerd. Start your own blog and climb a rung up the food chain, or take my admonishment to fuck off under advisement.

Shea: read more carefully. This site is clearly labeled as a SATIRE BLOG.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

I'm cranky. So what?