Ten Magazine is A Hate The Korea! Please Go Home!

Oh my Gat!  I am a shocking!

FIrst I think about Ten Magajing... do you know ten magajine?  It is a English native writing magazing about the Korea and news event also article.  Many picture, but Chosun Ilbo picture better.  More vikini.  I'm think like this magajing because happy to like the Korea. But today I am decide canceling my subscribe for a Ten Magajing.  Because their article is ask the foreigner "What are your complain to the Korea"

Let me explain my think about Korea and the foreigner complain, because sometimes people are misunderstand.

1. First, the foreign people is not Korean!  I am grow up the Korea so I know everything the Korea country because.  And citizen.  Howerver, foreign people is the understand their country not a Korea so they should only listen the Korea people explain, not talking complain.

2. It's true many foreigner live in Korea, so somebody people are say foreign people should talking about the Korea because they are live... so yes!  Let's talk the healthy kimchi (not Kimuchi, dirty jap), and beautiful Korea women (but no touch OK?  Your penis is have no jung.)  And many thing - the place for visit Korea like fuck village, traditional museum, fuck village, hanbok shop, palace, fuck village, and king's toome.  That's Korea culture you know!  Also you can spend money here.  IF the foreigner are talk the Korea also about complain thing, then it can frustrating and racial violence come, so foreigner live Korea OK but say nice thing then no racial violence OK?

3. Also, some people complaining the racism, but that's lie, because we are don't discriminate.  It's you're foreigner not reason for your can't complain Korea.  Just because ignorant and don't understand the Korea.  Same your don't sit Korean restaurant table: because you can't the chopsticks, so bother other customer, not because skin color!  Or maybe the Korea food too spicy.

4. I am really believe freedom for foreigner, for example, foreigner who am complain the Korea is free always go home.  Even sometimes I encourage go home for exercise freedom: that's why!  Freedom!

So today I saw Ten Magajing have a "What's your Complain the Korea" article, and ask everybody complain the Korea!  I'm so angry.  You should only like a Korea because foreign magajing, OK Ten Magajing?  I'm so angry if you hate Korea why don't you go home?

Now, you stop the Ten Magajing.  Now I am call you NINE Magajing, because hate.

Have a good time!  Enjoy your the Korea!

Thank you for read my thinking.

NINE Magajing!

The Real Reason Mr. Wonderful Hates the "Circle Jerk": Actual Text

(see bottom for update)

Wanna know the REAL reason Mr. Wonderful hates Blian Golden Balls, Lobby da Ass-crown, Clissy Snowfrake, Dickless Stevie, Zen Kimchi-dick, and Shannon Rotten-Crotch (that's two jokes [crotches and l/r] in six names... we're approaching Korean Game-Show Recycling Footage levels of "lack of actual content" here)?  And what about Matty Lame-o, whom Mr. Wonderful hates so much that he hasn't even used one of his only jokes two on him?  Wanna know the REAL bee in his bonnet?

Well, Dokdo Is Ours, intrepid investigative journalist extraordinaire, has uncovered the true reason for you: by successfully hacking Matty Lame-O's e-mail account.  The real reason Mr. Wonderful hates Matty is because his application to enter the circle jerk was rejected.  He had his hand and tongue hanging out, covered with jelly, only to be spurned.  Here is original article he sent to Expat Living, and the e-mail exchange that followed:

MR. WONDERFUL:

"Wednesday!"

Hello readers.  This will be a weekly column for Korea Herald's.  I hope that you will find it droll.  I really do.  Here is a picture of me in a suit.  Dazzling, isn't it?  I wear suits because I want you to like me. 

This will be an entertaining series about life in Korea, and all the things I like.  If you do not like my writing, I hope you will accept my apologies, and go treat yourself... to an ice cream.  I hope we can be friends.  I really hope you enjoy a my writing, so that my blog, "Yankeenom.blogspot.com" is recognized as one of Korea's best blogs, like Brian in Jeollanam-do, Chris in South Korea, Roboseyo.  By the way, Steven Revere: I hope your reading, because I'd LOVE to write some germane, witty articles for your magazine as well.  Maybe we could be BFF's!

This article will be about using the bus in Korea.  As a foreigner, using the bus in Korea can be hard, especially for the newcomers who dont speak or read much Korean yet.  However, here are some tips on what to do, to have an easier go.  It's not hard: even a drunken ass can do it, and I would know: my wife, a blushing Korean rose, often harangues me about my exasperating habit of getting on the wrong bus: "You can be foolish sometimes," she grins.  My son, a diligent young student, sees me onto the right bus every time, but if I drink too much soju, if I'm drunk as a toad, I get lost.

The best thing you can do to find the right bus is very easy: always make sure your phone has minutes and battery juice before you head out, and just call your local area code, and "1330," and an operator will give you instructions!  Problem solved!  You can get home, and take your dumps in peace once you're there.  You can even read my articles in the Korea Herald while you shit.

MATT LAMERS:

Uncle Kev, good article; please tighten up the writing a bit - your introduction is too long, and the article would improve if you added more options for catching a bus, in case some readers don't have cellphones, or they want to try and read the bus schedules.  By the way, abbreviations and the word "shit" are not appropriate for The Korea Herald.

Mr. WONDERFUL

Let me try again.  Sorry to cause trouble, Matt!  Hope you'll still let me buy you some microbrew sometime! ㅎㅎㅎ

Wednesday!

Hello readers.  Every Wednesday I will write this article.  You can read it on the toilet while you're shitting your kimchi breakfasts.  Do you like my article?  Please check yes or no.  If you don't like it, you can read something else.  I'm Mr. Wonderful; I have a blog called "Yankeenom" - haha.  I'd like my blog to be popular and well-known; I plan to fill it with new content regularly, and classy, tasteful photos.

This article is about using the bus in Korea.  It was inspired by Chris in South Korea, one of my favorite bloggers, and a blogger whom I aspire to be like.  Maybe we could hang out sometime?  With you and Stephen Revere, maybe?

Using the bus is not hard.  When I'm sloshed on Toad Juice, I sometimes get in shouting matches on the bus, but the racist old ass-wipes patrolling the buses for interracial daters deserve my righteous retorts.  My wife, roars like a dragon when I get on the wrong bus, she says, "You da asshole" but my little biracial son helps.  Meanwhile, there are signs at every bus stop.  Learn to read Korean, stupid!  You've been here for, how long now?  It's not hard.  Get on it, and call 1330 if that fails.

MATT LAMERS

Uncle Kev, really sorry to cause trouble here, but please refer to soju as soju, not toad juice; don't use the word shit, and really, leave the bathroom jokes on your blog; I can't print that.  Making fun of your wife, and calling readers stupid is probably not a good idea, either.

-M

MR WONDERFUL

Sorry, Matt.  I'm trying my best.  Will you please still invite me to your parties?  My wife is asking me why I spend all this time writing, and being able to show her something in Expat living would mean a lot - it's her favorite page in the entire print media.  Would you please add meaning to my life, by printing my re-written article?

WEDNESDAY!

I've been getting a lot of criticism lately about my writing, well last night I got good and liquored up on the toad juice, and decided all those stick-in-the-muds can go fuck themselves!  The dragon lady says, "You da stupid man!  Go teach da kids make money!  Expat libing isn't pay da money anyway!"  I went to the PC room near my house instead.  Nearly got hit by a goddamn bus.  Those asshole drivers are gonna kill me someday.  I read the Korea Herald while I was taking a shit, and I realized that I don't need that shit anyway.  I couldn't remember a single thing I read.

If you want to ride the bus, it's not hard, unless you're a fucking retard.  Don't be a retard, and ride the bus.  Get a transport card and see where it goes.  If Matty Lame-ers doesn't run this article, I hope he gets syphilis.

MATT LAMERS

Sorry, Uncle Kev, I can't run that, and I'm rethinking the regular column, too.  I think I have to withdraw the offer.  I'll keep reading your blog, to see how your writing progresses... maybe we'll be in touch again sometime.  But not for now.

-M

MR. WONDERFUL

I'LL GET YOU, MATT!!!!

uma thurman

(dear my readers: don't worry. I actually DO want my readers to have a reason to visit my blog, so rather than antagonize mr. wonderful as often as he deserves, I'll only mock him mercilessly as often as I think my readers can stand. If you want to read more of Mr. Wonderful, don't forget to **follow this link!**)

Update:
Oh no! It looks like Uncle Snowflake (aka Mr. Wonderful) can't handle a little ribbing! As a supposed Christian, you'd think he'd consider Matthew 7:12 - "Do to others what you would have them do to you," take a big fat look at how many people he's mocked mercilessly and needlessly on his blog (WAY out of proportion with whatever they may have said about him at some point - a direct violation of that "do unto others" thing that he supposedly follows), and figure it out.  Turnabout's fair play; quit yer whinin'.

So everybody, since Mr. Wonderful loves nicknames (The Dildoe Is Mine - Sweet! I got a crotch joke nickname!  Didn't see that coming!) his new nickname is "Uncle Snowflake" and the long version is "Uncle Snowflake The Thin-Skinned Bitch"  (partial credit to this commenter)

If you want Uncle Snowflake to stop talking about other bloggers and boring his readers, address him as "Uncle Snowflake The Thin-Skinned Bitch" as often as possible in the comments of his posts.

I've got nothing against Uncle Snowflake personally, but I do wish he'd get back to his funny storytelling and stop acting like a thin-skinned bitch when other bloggers talk about him.

Motorbike Couriers frustrated Seoulites fail to Walk on Right

Jang Poktan, head of VROOM Violently Riding On Our Motorbikes Association of Seoul, recently explained the situation to Dokdo is Ours. "We were sure that the new 'walk on the right' system would herald a golden age of orderly sidewalk manners in Seoul: as numerous newspaper articles note, all the advanced countries walk on the right side of the sidewalk. If Korea followed the example of these advanced nations, bikers would have an open lane in the center of the sidewalk, where we could drive as quickly and safely as we pleased." But the plan did not work as advertised. "People continue walking any which way, changing directions and speeds at random, so rather than being able to drive on the sidewalk quickly and safely, I have to drive on the sidewalk with all my senses alert, and I sometimes even slow down! Not because I don't feel that the sidewalk is my own, to drive on as I please, and not because I feel bad about hitting people - I have jajang to deliver, you know? But just because it's exhausting hearing the accusing or mournful cries of family members following after me when I DO maim someone."

Despite a six-month public awareness campaign, changes in escalator directions, and hundreds of paint or sticker arrows on sidewalks and walkways, motorbike couriers continue to complain that Seoulites walk "anywhere they damn please on the sidewalk."

(image)

While Jang Poktan was unable to name an advanced nation where the purpose of pedestrians walking on the right was to clear a way for motorbike couriers and delivery people, he was unfazed by that absence. "That's just one way Korea could be even MORE advanced than other countries: instead of just having orderly sidewalkds, Korea could have orderly sidewalks AND the world's fastest Chinese delivery!" Mayor Oh SeHoon, architect of the "Walk on the right" campaign, also expresses frustration. "I want my jajang faster, Goddamnit! Why do you think I came up with this plan?"

It is interesting that the mayor should choose those specific words: The GODDAMN: The Group Organized to Defend the Diminutive Against Motorbike Negligence was not impressed by VROOM's wish to increase motorbike sidewalk usage. Ok Pak-eok, head of the association, described her group's countermeasures against VROOM's heedlessness. "We plan to weave and bob across the entire sidewalk with every few steps, walk slowly, several abreast, from shoulder to shoulder, as often as we can, and to randomly stop and start walking again, to make our movements impossible to predict," Ok explained.

(image)

"This will make sidewalk riding prohibitively difficult and slow for delivery bikers, and cause them to use the road instead of endangering children."

(image)

Ok seemed unconcerned that this pattern of movement would also make it difficult for other pedestrians to share the sidewalk with them. "They'll just have to suck it up. Better than getting clocked by a motorbike." So next time readers are walking on the sidewalk, and somebody suddenly stops to look in her purse, Ok suggests that you thank her: she might be a member of GODDAMN, working, bobbing and weaving to protect the sidewalks from motorbikes. In fact, she probably is: Ok claims membership of her group numbers about 11 million, and is almost exclusively old ladies: according to Korea's demographic information, almost every old lady in the nation is probably a member! And what should readers say to thank them? Just address them by the name of their group: "Goddamn Ajumma!"

Dear Samsung... re: your decision to make Michael Breen famous, and a martyr

Hey everybody reading this. You should go buy Samsung products. They sure are great. Let me tell you. I use a Samsung phone. I'd write this blog on my Samsung phone if I could afford a cool enough Samsung phone. 'Cause Samsung sure is great. I wish my blog's address were "samsungisours.samsung.samsung" but Samsung already owned that URL, so I had to settle for Dokdo Is Ours. By the way: nobody reads this blog, and I'm a satire writer: it says so on the side there, so everybody knows not to take me seriously. My picture is a monkey. That pretty much says it all. Just so you know, you big tough, wonderful, good-looking Samsung legal team.

And here's what everybody's thinking so far:

Samsung: "geez. This big pile of money doesn't keep me warm at night. Maybe if people only say good things about us, we'll be warmer. Maybe punishing those who speak ill of us, and making their women wail and their children flee before us will satisfy the emptiness I feel at night"

Everybody who hears about the story: jeez; now I actually want to read Michael Breen's column.

Breen's Column: just when I thought everybody'd forgotten about me... READERS!!!!

Everybody who hears about the story: "wow. They're actually suing Breen for saying that? Is this kind of like when you know somebody's lying because their denial is suspiciously vehement?"

The hospital gown/wheelchair company: hmm. Order from "Legal defense team of M. Breen... IV stand... one; hospital gown... one..."

Kushibo, Brian, Extra Korea, Jon Glionna (LA Times): "... smart stuff..." (not me. I'm just a comedian. And *please note, Samsung Legal Team: NOBODY TAKES ME SERIOUSLY [you should ask me how it feels; many more lawsuits like this and we'll be in the same boat])

LA Times: "hey, do you think they're going to sue US next? Maybe we should have thought again about this."

Free Speech: "Can somebody throw me a bone here? I'm fucking dying!"

Lousy Korea: "See? SEE?"

President LMB: "Sorry. I was checking my sweet phone. Did I miss anything? Anyway, whatever Samsung said."

Samsung: Ignorance is strength, suppression is freedom, credit card debt is prosperity. New line of smart touch phones coming out soon!

2NE1: We still get paid, right?

For you, Samsung:

Update: Samsung's very good-looking and winsome legal team has apparently decided to drop the case against Breen. Huzzah. Free speech is now thinking "Yeah, but still..."

University Student Arrested for Playing with his Meat Stylus on the Subway

University Sophomore Jung Bong-jo was taken into custody on Tuesday afternoon for playing with his meat stylus on the subway. While other iPhone owners around Korea were using meat sticks as styluses for their iPhones earlier this winter (see video below, and article here)

Due to an embarrassing misunderstanding, new iPhone user Jung iHwang was arrested for playing with his meat stylus on the subway yesterday.

"iHeard other people were playing with meat styluses to operate their iPhones," iHwang explained, I just kind of assumed that they meant... you know, their meat styluses. iVe been calling Mr. Winky my meat stylus for years now."

But iHwang had never taken out his meat stylus before in public... it seems that he thought only iPhone users were allowed to do so. At tweet from a friend on Twitter made him think iTwould be OK:

"mY MeAt peniS thebe stw ayt o opeRA tE my iPHoNe. st ilLSom EQUirkS." - he was accidentally pushing buttons incorrectly. Unfortunately, iHwang misread the message.

"iThought maybe iPhone users had legal iMmunity to arrest for public iNdecency," he explained. This is why, when the subway security, and later the police approached him, he showed them his iPhone and said, "No, it's OK. I have an iPhone."

"Unfortunately," Wang Long-won, the police officer who made the arrest explained, "the iPhone has no influence: public iNdecency is still iLlegal."

The Seoul Metro Subway company has iNtentions to press charge; iHwang is currently iNterred at a low-security holding prison, waiting for a bail hearing.

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment. He was playing with his meat stylus.

Korean Reputation for Heavy Drinking Replaced With Reputation For Being Lightweights

photos courtesy of the amazing blog, "Blackout Korea"

An OECD report debunked the myth that Koreans consume more alcohol per capita than other nations. Chosun Ilbo reports. According to the report, Koreans above age 15 drank an average of 8 liters of alcohol per person, below the OECD average of 9.5 liters per person.

Racists and expat bloggers were shocked at the news. "This changes the kinds of jokes I can make about Koreans," moaned blogger Uncle Kev. "How will I broadly characterize the people of the nation where I live now? I may have to actually hang out with some of them - only long enough to develop new stereotypes, mind - before I can go back to complaining about them on my blog."

However, others were more optimistic. "I don't have to change anything," smirked Mr. Wonderful; it was like when statistics revealed that on average, Korean penis size was well within international norms: I just shifted from making small penis jokes to pink shirts and premature ejaculation jokes. I'll be fine."

Female blogger Dragon Lady will go on record as the first blogger to shift from "heavy drinker" jokes to "lightweight/can't hold their drink" jokes: a mere ten minutes after the Chosun Ilbo article went online, she wrote, "I see da stupid man drink da Toad Juice. Him only twee shat da Toad Juice and falling on da flooh so much. Him like my husband, Mr. Londapull. Da asshole."

Indeed, whatever the explanation: high quantity or low tolerance, Korea will continue to be filled with assholes who don't seem to have any purpose except head for the streets to make things unpleasant for others.

Jeolla School to hold Pseudo-Science Fair

A small-town school in Heunghak-ri is making waves in educational circles: many teachers in Korea are constrained by their school curricula to teach "western imperialism science," despite the fact these "facts" do nothing to further the great nation of Korea, and many were discovered by non-Koreans. "These so-called 'scientific facts' were not even discovered by Koreans: foreign culture is invading our classroom, every day, and we've done nothing about it!" exclaimed Yoo Seung-lee, teacher of Heunghak-ri's grades 1-4; "we decided it was time to take matters into our own hands, and only teach facts that had been verified by Korean scientists and scholars."

Parents and students enjoyed the redeveloped curriculum so much that a Pseudo-Science fair was a natural next step. "We're really impressed with what the students have put together!" gushed Yoo. She took Dokdo Is Ours around the fair, and explained the different projects.

One display showed measurements of a Korean skull and a Japanese skull, to show Koreans have a larger brain pan, and are smarter.

Another featured many graphic drawings of Mad Cow Disease's unique effects on Korean physiology.

Another demonstrated the way Kimchi made Koreans naturally immune to SARS, HIV, and Swine Flu, and hypothesized that growing up in Korea's four seasons were the reason only Koreans benefited from these features of Kimchi.

Another compared the effects of using a condom on Korean couples and foreign couples, wherein condom use made the foreign couples "safe" and "responsible" while the Korean couple became "dirty" and "spoiled".

Another compared a student's mother with his unmarried Aunt, and demonstrated the way pregnancy instantly removes a Korean woman's ability to function in a workplace, forever.

Another showed drawings of other places around the world, where they only had three or fewer seasons: Northern USA, France, England, and Germany were among the countries portrayed bleakly living without seasons.

Another demonstrated ways to make a map of the East sea appear older than it really was, in order to seem an authentic and authoritative proof of Dokdo's Koreanness; it had a special interactive feature where students could draw the islands onto their own map, and then age it by hand.

One demonstrated which part of Kim Yuna's Korean DNA made her a champion, and connected it with the ligament that makes Koreans the only people able to eat with metal chopsticks.

Another used two students' fathers, one eating Korean dog soup, the other eating viagara, to show that Korean homeopathic virility remedies are superior. Unfortunately, the viagara eating father had been taken to the hospital. "Hello! What is priapism?" the bright-eyed student shouted as Dokdo Is Ours walked by.

The winning project was by Kwon Han-joo, nine, a terrifying portrayal of the steps by which a running fan kills anyone sleeping in a sealed room with it. He had even painted scary teeth on the blades of the fan he brought in for the demonstration, and viewers had to duck and dodge as the oscillating fan pointed in their direction.

"First the rotating blades break down most of the oxygen molecules in the room, then they suck the remaining ones out of the room. Finally, they blow air so forcefully that it can't enter the subject's nose, making him unable to breathe even the oxygen-less air. Death is quite painful."

An official from the Jeolla-do ministry of education came to the science fair as well. "We're considering standardizing this curriculum. This pseudo-science makes me feel much better about my country."

"But what about Newton? Einstein? Rutherford and Bohr and Marie Curie and Galileo?" The education director led me around a corner to another display.

"As you can see here, they were Korean."

Steve Carell Hates Korea and Must Die

Hello every the Korea people. I have a shocking! Please listen my write.

I have looking internets and the internets at a Kimchi for Cornbread internet I see some scandalous!

For example here: This is a america comedy people Steve Carol. Him have famous movie like funny talking news people in Bruce Almighty. And now him laughing to the Kimchi. Watch: you will shocking too. Him make joke the Korea kimchi is smell bad! Eberybody know the kimchi is not smell bad. Only vietnam fa soup is the smell bad. If him say it small bed meybe he accident make the Japan Kimuchi which is a decompositionary smell. Please watching.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Korea in Your Kitchen
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

It's a shock! I'm don't know how to talking!

If you're don't like Steve Carol talking too, then it's time for internet attack! Get your internets and we throw at the Stebe Carol. Quick! Let's him website DDOS forever and go to his house throw kimchie over him house fense so he can enjoy smell and learn Kimchi is the important Korean food and world healthy food.

Let's together! Fighting!